Q: Doctor,  I've heard that  cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your  heart is only good for so many  beats, and that's it...  Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out  eventually.  
Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend  the life of your car by driving it faster.  Want to live longer?  Take a  nap. 

Q: Should  I cut  down on meat and  eat more fruits and  vegetables?
A: You  must grasp  logistical efficiencies.  What does a cow eat?   Hay and corn.   And what are these?  Vegetables.  
So a steak  is nothing more  than an efficient mechanism of  delivering vegetables to your  system.   Need grain?  
Eat  chicken.   Beef is also a good source  of field grass  (green leafy vegetable).  
And a pork chop can  give you  100% of your recommended daily allowance of  vegetable  products.

Q: Should  I reduce my  alcohol intake? 
A:  No,  not at all.  Wine is made from  fruit.  Brandy is  distilled wine,  that means they take the water out of  the fruity bit so you  
Get even more of the goodness that  way.   Beer is also made out  of grain.  Bottoms   up!

Q: How  can I calculate my body/fat   ratio?
A: Well,  if you have a body and you have  fat, your ratio is one  to one.  If you have two bodies, your  ratio is two to  one, etc.

Q: What  are some of  the advantages of participating in a regular  exercise  program?
A: Can't  think of a single one, sorry.  My  philosophy is: No  Pain...Good!

Q:  Aren't  fried  foods bad for you? 
A:  YOU'RE  NOT  LISTENING!!! .....  Foods are fried these days in  vegetable oil.  In fact,  they're permeated in it.  
How could  getting more  vegetables be bad for  you? 

Q:  Will  sit-ups  help prevent me from getting a little soft  around  the middle?
A: Definitely  not! When  you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You  should only be  doing sit-ups if you want a bigger   stomach. 

Q:  Is   chocolate bad for me? 
A:  Are   you crazy? HELLO   Cocoa  beans ! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good   food around!

Q:  Is   swimming good for your figure? 
A:  If   swimming is good for  your figure,   explain whales to  me.

Q:  Is getting   in-shape important for my   lifestyle? 
A:  Hey!  'Round' is  a shape! 
Well,   I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may   have had about  food   and diets.

And  remember:
'Life should  NOT  be a journey to the grave with the intention of  arriving  safely in an attractive and well preserved  body, but rather  to skid in sideways -
Chardonnay in one  hand - chocolate in  the other - body thoroughly used up,  totally worn out and   screaming 'WOO  HOO, What a  Ride'  
AND.....

For  those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final  word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the  truth after all those conflicting nutritional  studies. 

1. The Japanese eat  very little fat and suffer  fewer heart attacks than  Americans.

2. The Mexicans  eat a lot of  fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than  Americans.

3. The Chinese  drink very little  red wine  and  suffer fewer heart attacks than  Americans.

4. The  Italians drink a lot of red  wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than  Americans. 

5. The Germans  drink a lot of beers and eat lots of  sausages and fats  and suffer fewer heart attacks than   Americans.



CONCLUSION
Eat  and drink what you like.
Speaking  English is apparently what kills  you.